A Thankless Heart....
Hello and welcome back to the blog my dearest Reader!
Today is just another short note from yours' truly: I'm still feeling quite "off" and not entirely at peace. My suspicion is that a combination of PMS hormones and typical post-summer sadness has arrived to mess with my mind, but I also have to admit that I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately.
At the beginning of the summer, I decided to stop replying to DM's on Instagram, and became more choosy with email responses as well. Even though most of the messages and comments I receive are really heartfelt and positive, it was still too exhausting to give my heart and time out to every single person. I get long messages asking for my advice on personal problems and hundreds of suggestions for blogs to write and video topics to tackle. I also receive my fair share of highly invasive questions about my diet, my beliefs, and my marriage, and it all feels quite claustrophobic.
Even when I add in all the praise and encouragement from people, I have to admit that it makes me feel like I'm in a pressure cooker: I worry that people are depending on me and waiting for me to do something great, but also that I might fail them someday.
I've been stretching myself sooooo thin lately that I feel like I have nothing left to give to my relationships, hobbies, or anything in my personal life, and the result has been this weird bluesy-funk that's caused me to draw into myself and shut others out.
But you know what I'm realizing as I write this?
Just because I have a ton going on in life doesn't mean I suddenly have a free-pass to be ungrateful and dramatic. Just because life feels pressure-filled doesn't mean that I am exempt from my calling to love the Lord and share His love with others! The truth is that despite the pressure in life, I should be able to remain focused on the Lord and His peace. God's glory is great, even despite the pressure in our lives, and I should be able to depend on Him, no matter what stage of life I am in.
It doesn't even mean I have to respond to all my messages or make every single video that's requested, it just means that I don't have to allow the pressure to feel like a curse, instead, I need to view it for the blessing that it is! How silly I've been. And now that I'm writing this, I don't think that my main problem is the pressure; I think it's the fact that I'm too "I" focused right now.
Maybe the noise in my life isn't the messages, emails, and requests. Maybe it's not the pressure at all! Maybe the noise and stress in my life is coming from myself and my incessant introspection. Maybe it's the fact that I have an insatiable focus on my own problems and feelings, and instead of focusing on the Lord, or even other people, I've been navel gazing and worrying about my own reputation, my own work, and my own problems.
So this week, instead of moping and instead of worrying about letting down my beloved readers and viewers, I think I'm going to focus on not letting down my God.
The truth is that God's grace is sufficient for us, no matter what we are experiencing, and we should be able to reach out to him and love others no matter what season we are in. It's a harsh truth, but we cannot let the stress of life incapacitate us and prevent us from loving and blessing others. I don't get to give up my duty of loving and praising my God just because I'm under some stress in life, oh no! If anything, I am called to sing even louder in times of distress, because God's greatness is everlasting.
As I close out this little post, I honestly feel much more clarity, and a little bit embarrassed.
How easy it is to view the stress in our lives as a curse instead of the true blessing that it is! It is such a blessing to have this pressure in my life because it means that God is using me in a big way, and I should be humbled and honored instead of stressed out and cranky. LOL. But I'm glad to share this with you today Dearest Reader, so that you can know that we all have wild failings in life, and we all have times when we want to throw a temper-tantrum and just say NO to life.
So now, I'm going to say goodbye to you, hike up my big-girl pants, and let out some praise to the Lord for my life instead of being a thankless navel-gazing sass monster.
I hope you have a blessed week my friend, and realize that God's grace is sufficient, no matter the circumstances.
-A Thankless Navel-Gazing Sass Monster