Hello and welcome back to the blog my friend!
Today I just have a short note for you, as I am mentally and emotionally preoccupied today. Honestly, I feel that this has been a strange week in my life, full of ups, downs, and an unshakeable melancholy that seems to be visiting late in the evenings.
We are currently in a bit of a waiting period, waiting for news on various irons we have in the fire, and with every day that goes by I feel myself gaining patience and a more positive outlook, but also a sense of dread. Because part of me so desperately wants change to happen, but the other part of me is fearful of change and the fact that change signifies life moving forward, pushing me ultimately towards events and occurrences that I do not want to face.
It seems that whenever I have a large change in my life, I somehow land on the fact that the change signifies a type of launch closer towards that day when I will die, or my loved ones will die. I know this is morbid, but I also think it is important for humans to consider their existence, and all it means to be human. I have regularly pondered these things throughout my life, and it feels natural to return to this ongoing thought-routine.
As a child, I remember crying myself to sleep a few times at the thought of one of my parents dying. I would also lie in bed at night and try to wrap my mind around the existence of the universe, and try to think through what the universe would be if there was no earth or universe at all, and it just made my brain stop. I've always taken time to just go out into nature and ponder life; the deep questions and the small problems. I would go out into a snowbank with all my snow-gear on, and look up at the clouds, or I would go outside to sit on a large rock near our house, look up at the stars, and ponder my existence.
Yes, I know I was a strange and melancholic drama-queen of a child, but honestly, I still feel that part of me existing heavily.
This past week, I can feel myself slipping into that same ponderous behavior; quietly slipping out of the room to go lay on the grass in my backyard and look up at the swaying trees, considering life, my relationships, and the purpose of it all.
The problem I have been facing lately is one of completion; you see, it has been a year since I began this blog, and I feel quite nostalgic and pleased, but... ambiguously melancholic. I almost feel ambivalent towards it all, as if I have nothing left to say and nothing left to share. When I sit down to write a new YouTube video script, I find myself coming up empty, and the same thing is happening with this blog! I feel as if I have said it all; I have shared what I wanted to share, and now I don't know what to do.
Part of me feels that this is just a period of time that will pass, and that I need to remain calm and collected until new inspiration comes. But another part of me feels that maybe I have said it all, and that I need to step into new topics, focuses, and ideas.
Honestly, I just don't know.
But regardless of it all, I do know that some of the greatest things in my life have only come after a prolonged period of restlessness. I think that it's okay to feel ambiguous, unsettled, and restless because these feelings are often ones that breed the most inspiration, vigor, and transformation in our lives. I am not worried for this blog or myself, because I have seen time and time again in my life that it s only after a mildly unsettling time in my life, that I really begin to transform and achieve more.
So to you my friend, if you are in a waiting period, if you feel lost, melancholic, or confused, pease know that this will pass. Oftentimes we feel that way before a truly transformative period in our lives, and we can allow the restlessness to create momentum to push us towards new growth and change.
Remember that we all go through period of restlessness, and that you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you! Think through your situation and identify what could happen to improve it, but if there is nothing you can think of, I encourage you to rest in your restlessness, and remind yourself that God has worked all things together for your ultimate good, and that though His ways are mysterious to us, we can trust that He is a good and loving Father.
Blessings to you my sister, and may we both find hope and peace during our times of restlessness.
Invite the change in your life.
xoxo,
Cait