Hello and welcome back to the blog dearest Reader!
I am so happy you're joining me for a slice of your afternoon. Today, I wanted to share a little bit of my heart with you all: it is the Sunday Series after all!
So, this past week, I've been feeling really blah. At first, I could not understand why I felt that way: everything in life is going SO well and there is truly NO reason in my life to feel funky, sad, or "off."
But after much thought and journaling, I have concluded that the blessings, the goodness, and the peace are exactly WHY I feel so wonky! Instead of being able to settle in and enjoy my blessings, I feel like I'm walking around in life waiting for all these blessings to *POOF* disappear.
Do you ever have that? When all your needs are met, you're thriving, life is going okay, but you feel like you can't get comfortable in case everything disappears? This is how it feels like to me.
It feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop-- for the good things to disappear and the inevitable pain to arrive at my doorstep. It seems so counter-intuitive to be stressed out by "peacetime" but I think this happens to a specific set of people: people who have exited a time of intense pain.
For people like this, we are used to conflict, pain, sadness, and grief. We've lived our whole life with conflict and unrest writhing around at the periphery of our lives and hearts. We're used to screaming relatives, unstable finances, and unhappy minds. We're used to pain, hardship, tragedy, and sadness.
So when that pain and instability is replaced with blessings, joy, and peace, it can feel too good to be true. Along with the joy comes a strong sense of foreboding: we tell ourselves that everything is going "too" perfectly.
We're looking around and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Where is the pain? What if we get too comfortable in our joy, only to have it snatched away tomorrow?
I think in the past, this has lead me to self-sabotage my own happiness. Instead of being comfortable in my conflict-free relationship, I would start fights and cause drama, just to feel NORMAL: things were just "off" enough to be real.
So it is now that I find myself, after years of familial conflict, financial stress, and mental health problems, in a place of true blessing, peace, and familial joy. All my needs are met, my relationships are positive, and I don't have to deal with any current tragedies, pains, or frustrations.
And again, you would think that after knowing pain, conflict, and tragedy, it would make sense that the bright moments in life shine even brighter!
But instead of truly relaxing in these blessings, I still feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for another hardship to come my way. I feel like I'm waiting for my relationships to implode, someone to pass away, or general tragedy, pain, and sadness to come snatch up all my blessings.
The problem with this is that I'm realizing that I'm unable to fully enjoy and experience the current joy because I'm constantly wincing at the possibility of pain. I don't think I've fully healed from the conflict, pain, and upheaval in my life because I'm still waiting for it to come back to haunt me.
I'm finding out that this is no way to live. I cannot constantly be waiting for my husband to hurt me, my friends to leave me, or my bank account to drain. I can't be waiting for the next pain, the next drama, or the next tragedy. I cannot continue rejecting people just in case they reject me first.
Instead, I think I need to always be PREPARED for that hardship, whilst enjoying and experiencing life to the fullest. Instead of expecting hardship, I need to be enjoying the moment. Instead of waiting for people to hurt me, I need to enjoy my relationships and deal with things as they come.
If we live in a way that is full of dread for the future, then we will not be able to enjoy the present. The fear of the future can rob us of our current happiness and joy.
The problem with living life always expecting things to implode is that it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We never fully engage, enjoy, or experience our relationships or the present blessings of the moment because we're too busy closing our eyes and leaning away out of fear.
Now if this is you, I just want you to know that it's okay. It's okay to know pain and to not be healed. It's okay to be waiting for the tragedy. But the thing we need to do is push forward to be able to experience and enjoy the current moment.
The past doesn't have to repeat itself, and we don't have to be waiting around for it to. Just because your ex cheated on you doesn't mean your boyfriend will. Just because your dad lost his job when you were a kid doesn't mean your husband will.
We need to live life with an understanding of tragedy and pain, but always refuse to let it control our actions and dictate our present moment. Learn from the pain and tragedy, but always let your current moment and blessings speak for themselves. Don't expect people to hurt you, and try not to live life in fear.
I do this through my faith in Christ and my push towards knowing the Lord and His word. I hope that you find peace in whatever way you know is best, and if you're feeling like it, try asking God for peace in your current state and a peace in the face of an unknown future.
All the best my sisters...
xoxo,
Cait